daily rant

i am up at 3am.. this is bad. i have been doing lots of these of late.  bad cuz it gives me too much time to wonder, in my brain. Tonight/rather morning, i've been thinking that i have been half f-ed all my life and i really do want to start specializing.. i've just turned 21 and i have yet to choose wad i want to do. Although i have alr decided, my job is just to sustain wad i want to do and is not wad i want to do. What i REALLY want to do is to specialize in a trade, any form will do. so long as i feel i am the best can alr. (SAY there is this guy out there better than me, i would want to beat him and be the best. So long as no one tell me that there is a better person out there, i did be fine and contented. Self indulgent complacency u may call me, bt u can't say i'm wrong. Cuz indeed this is the best way to be contended, fulfilled and yet reach personal potential; albeit not full potential).

WELL since i've got time let me list down the no. of half assed things i've done.
 *note its not my pretentious attempt to curry myself, its just tat i view it as half assed although some may feel otherwise.

-Piano
-Clarinet
-Guitar
-Sports
-Study
-Reversi
-Gunz
-L4D2
-SLEEPING. Fk even this is half assed. geez.

i srsly haven't done anything with passion yet. nvr once in my life and i am getting sick and tired of it. i feel disappointed in myself tat the best thing that i've done was gunz which is so damn freaking unreal and it also cost my a's. fked. so tired tat i even told hw tat i want to quit com games.

i dno why the rant is the longest post of this blog of date. maybe its cuz i wanna e-hypno myself to sleep subconsciously or sth.

oh well, i just went for 2 interviews today, unlikely to get either. First one was a flop cuz they didn't noe i was going to study in Aug. The lady boss was kind, she told me to w8 for her call to see if i fit the bill to help her do data entry. Second was M1 call center; my chinese is totally CMI. they actually wanted me or rather demanded me to converse with the 2nd interviewer in chinese to introduce myself. i felt quit low. Been thru 11 yrs of education in chinese and my standard is of such, worse yet is tat i manage to enter NUS with such standards.. i really have no idea how am i going to communicate with those China national scholars in NUSci let alone compete with them...

haiz.. feeling so disappointed with myself, i reverted back to my old self and smother myself by working out.
must say that this was my best gym session ever cuz i reaped the most out of it. Been sick for nearing a month and just 1 gym session and a run perked me up lots. =). tats the only happy thing that happened to me i guess.

Well i went home to watch the movie "Hear Me" online. A chinese film. caught it over at www.mysoju.com; interesting film. lighthearted - just wad i needed.